


Put One Foot Wrong (I'm Gonna Fall)

by DefaltManifesto



Series: Xavier/Doug Kink Series [1]
Category: Goon (2011)
Genre: Bisexual Doug, Canon-Typical Violence, Concussions, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexually Confused Xavier, Spanking, toxic masculinity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 14:20:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4749563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doug confuses the shit out of him. Doug is a contradiction that Xavier is pretty sure he'll never figure out. He's all rough edges and violence and...soft. He's gentle and people actually like him for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Put One Foot Wrong (I'm Gonna Fall)

**Author's Note:**

> I think I muddled some movie details while writing this but oh well. I made up Xavier's history. This was originally going to be about 10k because I wanted to have all the sexual stuff in this one too, but it felt like it wouldn't fit right so I included the introduction of what will be the sequel - which will be almost exclusively kink negotiation and whatnot. 
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoy this one! Comments are loved. Title taken from One Foot Wrong by P!nk which I listened to a lot while reading this.

[The tumblr](http://schizzar.tumblr.com)

 

Xavier Laflamme is a scared little bitch and he knows it. He rails against it at first, in those weeks after his concussion when the world is too bright and too loud. He toughs it out, blares his music and grits his teeth against the pain, keeps his lights on even when it feels like it's going to make his head explode because if he can just get through it, it doesn't matter if he's scared because at least he's strong.

He gives in eventually and does what the doctor's say.

In the end, he's too scared to risk doing anything else.

 

-.-

 

Doug confuses the shit out of him. Doug is a contradiction that Xavier is pretty sure he'll never figure out. He's all rough edges and violence and...soft. He's gentle and people _like_ him for it. Any time Xavier had dared be soft or even worse, _emotional_...

It was better just to hide all of it.

Xavier doesn't think about his upbringing much, as a general rule. Being around Doug makes that pretty much impossible because even after a shit first meeting, Doug is determined that they become friends. He badgers Xavier, wanting to know things about him that he can't find on Google. It's so fucking innocent and childish and Xavier can't help but want to help preserve that. So he lies. He crafts up stories of a childhood he'd wished he had to placate him and pretends he doesn't love Doug's smiles.

           

-.-

 

Of course, he fucks the tenuous friendship up because that's what he's good at. Punching Doug helps him feel better for about two seconds, but then his gut twists because he's never fucking fought anyone for a reason. It's not because he's weak. It's because he doesn't want to be his father.

Doug doesn't punch him back. For a moment, as they stand just inches from each other, Xavier feels like he's got a chance to fix it, but he knows he only has a little time. So, he goes on instinct and drops to his knees. In hindsight, it's probably going to seem like a dumb idea but Xavier's at the end of his rope.

"What are you doing?" Doug asks.

"I'm sorry," Xavier says. The words feel strange in his mouth.  

"What? Why?" Doug asks, and of course, he's already forgiven Xavier for punching him.

"Just hit me okay? I know you said you won't hit a teammate, but shit, you can't let me do that," Xavier says. He closes his eyes, because even if he knows violence is the only way he can get redemption that doesn't mean he has to love it.

When Doug's hand meets his face, it's gentle. Xavier trembles because _what the fuck_ does he do with this? People never touch him unless they want to hurt him. There's a reason he fucks girls from behind.

"Go to bed," Doug says, thumb gentle on Xavier's jaw.

When Xavier finally brings himself to open his eyes, Doug's gone and he's staring at a closed door.

 

-.-

 

He gets a concussion because Doug decides to remind him what it's like not to be protected. It's not like Xavier needs the reminder. The ice is the only place he's ever _been_ protected, and even that hasn't been with any real consistency. At least his dad had taught him how to be resilient when he got hurt. Then again, he wasn't sure doing drugs and fucking girls until he couldn't feel anything counted as healing and thriving. Xavier could survive just about anything, but that's all it was. Surviving.

After Rhea hit him, it was like having all his screws shaken loose. All his fear about his dad, locked up tight from years of practice, just comes out all at once. He's jumpy on the ice sure, but no one in Montreal _or_ Halifax noticed how damn jumpy he is off the ice. It's instinct to pull away. It had gotten better with Doug at his back, but now, with another concussion rattling out the screws he'd started to put back in, he feels even worse. He knows he's going to have to go back out on the ice too. Coach doesn't have patience for people simpering forever about their injuries, not when they're this close to making the playoffs.

When Doug's knuckles rapped against the wall separating their bedrooms, Xavier has to stop himself from curling into a ball. He half listens to Doug's speech about how they need each other. There's too much unfounded panic flooding his brain to really process what Doug is saying but he gets the gist of it, understands he's getting a second chance.

He takes a few deep breaths to steady himself and then gets to his feet to head for Doug's room. He knocks on the door and waits. Doug opens it and gives him a tentative smile and _shit_ , Xavier's never felt so guilty.

"We good then?" Doug asks.

"We should. Talk," Xavier says, forcing the words out.

"Okay."

Xavier turns away and goes to collapse on the couch, letting his limbs sprawl everywhere. Doug sits down next to him and again, Xavier is struck by what an absolute contradiction he is because he's so fucking huge but he's so contained at the same time. Xavier wants to curl up into his warmth and strength. The thought makes him scared though because there's nothing as weak as wanting another man to hold you.

"So, I'm going to tell you something and maybe that will help you get...why I'm all..."

"Screwed up," Doug says, but there's no judgment in his voice.

"Yeah." Xavier's leg bounces up and down as he tries to keep himself calm. "My dad beat the hell out of me growing up. Didn't like me being you know, weak. I cried a lot. Stopped crying after awhile."

"Is that why you flinch all the time?"

Xavier glances over at him and then down at his own hands as his fingers twist together. "Just trying to not get a concussion."

"I mean here. You never let anyone touch you and you look all...weird even when people are giving you high fives," Doug says.

Xavier snorts. "Thought you were supposed to be stupid."

"I am. I'm not blind."

"Well no one else noticed."

"So I'm right?"

"Yes..." Xavier waves a hand dismissively. "You want a fucking medal?"

"N-No?" Doug shifts and nudges his foot against Xavier's, slow enough that it doesn't make him flinch. "It's just...now I want to help you and protect you even more."

Xavier can't help the way his lips twist up into a sneer. "I don't need you to protect me off the ice."

"But do you _want_ me to? I'm good at making people feel safe," Doug says.

"I don't...I can't want shit like that, fuck, you're a fucking goon, you should know that," Xavier all but spits out.

"So because I punch people I shouldn't want to hold people or be held?" Doug asks. Xavier wonders what sort of upbringing he had that the question is legitimate. "That's stupid. Let me hold you."

Xavier glares at him. "What the fuck dude, no."

"I have a hard question to ask and I want you to feel safe, so come here," Doug says, holding his arms open.

Xavier wants to punch him for the display and he hates that his dad's instinct to stamp out any and all emotion has rubbed off on him. So he forces himself into Doug's arms as a belated 'fuck you' to his dad and tries to ignore how nice it feels.

"Okay, hurry up with this so I can get dinner," Xavier says.

"Why did you want me to punch you?" Doug asks. "If it's got so many bad memories attached to it?"

Xavier wants very badly to just run away. "Because...I don't know, I wanted to apologize. I guess."

Doug nods, chin bumping against Xavier's shoulder. "I get that. But I'm not gonna do that to you."

"You should though. If I ever do that again. I don't want..." Xavier pushes into Doug's grip and even if he doesn't want to say it, he does feel safer wrapped up in that warmth. "I don't want to turn into my dad."

"You want someone to keep you in line but not scare you," Doug says.

"Sure, let's go with that." Xavier doesn't want to give Doug the satisfaction of knowing he's right.

"I can do that."

Xavier snorts and finally yanks himself out of Doug's grip. "Why the fuck would you? You don't owe me _shit_."

Doug shrugs, looking as innocent as ever. "I'm here to help you. It doesn't have to be just on the ice."

"You're too fucking good," Xavier says. He runs a hand through his hair. "I'll talk to you later. Can't fucking do this right now."

"Okay," Doug calls after him as he heads back to his bedroom.

Xavier wishes Doug was more of an asshole.

 

-.-

           

They don't win the playoffs despite Doug's sacrifice. That makes guilt burn hot in Xavier's gut because he wants desperately to make Doug happy. Not having supportive families means they get to nurse the loss together, and also means that Xavier actually has to cater to someone else for a while. He doesn't have much practice doing that, but he wants to for Doug.

He sort of hates that Doug just _being_ himself makes him want to be a better person. He's felt for so long that the world's been screwing him over, it just makes sense to fuck over everyone around him. Doug though? Making Doug hurt more when he already looks beat to hell feels sort of like kicking a puppy, so instead Xavier waits on him hand and foot.

Doug appreciates it, smiling brightly at him every time he brings over food even though Xavier can't cook for shit. Xavier doesn't know what to do with that. Lots of people smile at him, either because of his hockey or because he's done something humiliating to make them laugh. Genuine happiness? That's confusing. He's not sure if it's real. He half expects Doug to smile and then deck him in the face because it feels too damn nice to be real.

"What about the rest of your family?" Doug asks out of the blue one day.

They're sitting on the couch sipping at their still too hot to just eat soup. Xavier had been feeling nice and relaxed too. Now he feels as tight and tense as a bowstring.

"What about them?"

"Are they going to visit? Ira and Pat are going to come in a few weeks," Doug says.

"Yeah no, no one's coming," Xavier says. "My mom fucked off ages ago and my sister, Rosalie, lives in San Jose."

"You should invite her," Doug says.

Xavier snorts. "Do I look like I could afford that sort of ticket?"

"I could pay. If you wanted to see her," Doug says. "Family's important."

"Your family called you a goon and won't answer your calls," Xavier says.

Doug shrugs. "Ira does. I'm not saying have your dad here. I'd probably punch him."

"That I want to see," Xavier says, only half joking. "But no, seriously. My sister and I haven't talked in years. It'd be weird."

His soup is cool enough now to start gulping down and they eat in silence. The more he thinks about it, the more he starts to wonder if maybe it'd be worth the awkwardness to see her again. A visit seems a bit ambitious though. Maybe a phone call?

"You done?" he asks Doug as he stands up.

"Yes please, thank you," Doug says with his usual eager smile.

Xavier tries not to think about it as he cleans their dishes, but now that the gate is open, he's flooded with thoughts he hasn't allowed himself to think in a really long time. It wasn't like he and his sister had been close or anything, too busy trying to survive their dad's anger and make something of themselves to pay attention to each other.

When he gets back to the living room, he hovers in the archway, gnawing at his lower lip. Doug is flipping through channels, one arm draped over the back of the couch. Xavier really wants to curl up into his side, but he also really wants to tell himself to stop being such a fucking girl too. He sits down next to Doug and curls into his bigger weight.

Doug settles on some game show Xavier can't focus on because this feels _so fucking wrong._ An outsider would probably think he looks perfectly calm, but in reality he's just one hard line of tension, barely held together. Doug places a careful hand on top of Xavier's head and starts to rub it in a clumsy imitation of a head massage.

Xavier narrows his eyes and turns his head enough to look at Doug, who is staring at him with an uncertain look and a furrowed brow. He jerks his hand back when he meets Xavier's eyes. Xavier misses it almost immediately.

"It's fine," Xavier says. "It was nice. Or whatever."

"Really?" Doug asks, and Xavier doesn't even have to look at him to know he's got a dumb, goofy expression on his face.

He goes back to running his fingers through Xavier's hair and before long, Xavier is drifting asleep.

When he wakes up and checks his phone, it's passed midnight and Doug is snoring in the darkness of the room. Doug must've turned the television off before drifting off himself. Xavier feels warm in Doug's grip, safe in a way he hasn't yet. He wishes he could stay longer, but it's not worth either of them waking up with stiffed and cramped muscles, so he elbows Doug awake.

"Bed," Xavier says. "Up."

Doug grumbles the whole way when Xavier helps him up and to his room. He has every intention of just dumping Doug in his bed and bailing but Doug grabs his wrist and gives a sleepy tug.

"Stay," Doug mumbles. "Looked so calm..."

Xavier is too tired to resist and lets Doug tug him into bed. Xavier falls asleep with his lips pressed to the hollow of Doug's throat.

           

-.-

 

Xavier wakes up with his whole body wrapped up tight in Doug's grip. His mouth feels a little gross because he never got a chance to brush his teeth, but other than that, he feels _amazing_. He's never woken up in another person's arms. He's never felt so warm and safe and protected, his mind relaxed even as he pulls himself entirely out of the fog of sleep.

That's a new feeling too.

Xavier slots one of his legs between Doug's so he can press himself even closer, arms tightening to hold him close. It's so easy to let himself _need_ the closeness when Doug is asleep. There's no reason to hesitate, no worry that Doug is secretly judging him for wanting to be close with another person, and so there's no fear either. He's not sure what to do with the feeling of contentment. He feels greedy and desperate all at once because he wants more of this feeling but he knows he's only got a grasp on it for a little longer.

Doug huffs out a breath, shifting a little in Xavier's grip as he wakes, but he isn't pulling away. Xavier tells himself to stay calm. He's allowed to like this, to _want_ this.

"This is nice," Doug says and when Xavier risks a glance up, his eyes are still shut. "Unexpected but nice."

"A little gay," Xavier says.

"I've slept with some guys, but 'm not gay," Doug says as a warm hand slips under Xavier's shirt to rest against his lower back.

Xavier muffles his laughter against Doug's chest. "Pretty sure that makes you gay."

"Ira's the gay brother. I'm the bisexual, stupid one," Doug says matter-of-factly. "Eva was very good in bed. I don't think we're going to be very serious though, because she says I'm...emotionally involved with someone else."

Xavier's a bit surprised by how open Doug is, especially since his tone of voice is so exhausted sounding still. "That sucks. Wait, who were you emotionally involved with?"

Doug makes a weird noise and then sighs, ruffling some of Xavier's hair in the process. "You, dummy. I'm nice but I don't cuddle Pat all night."

"Oh," Xavier says.

They both lay there in a somewhat tense silence but neither of them let go. Xavier sort of sees Eva's point. Ever since the first time he and Doug really talked, Doug's been so careful and observant, doing his best to make Xavier feel safe. Xavier's never considered the amount of time and energy that took.

"I'm sorry. You really liked Eva, didn't you?" Xavier asks.

"You feeling better is more important," Doug says, hand rubbing up and down the line of his spine.

"Because of the team?" Xavier asks.

"No. Because I care."

Xavier feels like his heart is in his throat because honestly, _what the fuck_. No one's ever given a shit about him beyond what his hockey skill could get them so the thought that Doug just really _does_ want him to feel better makes his brain freak out a little. Of course, Doug's been telling him that but this is the first time it's felt honest and real. It's the first time he's believed it.

"In like...a gay way?" Xavier cringes, unable to believe those were the first words popping out of his mouth.

Doug doesn't seem put off by it though. "Don't know yet. Are you going to hit me or stop talking to me if I say yes?"

Xavier sighs, fingers curling in the fabric of Doug's shirt. "No. Sorry that I'm a dick and made you think I would."

"It's okay. You apologize now and hold me so it works out," Doug says. "I sorta wanna shower though. Can we get up?"

Xavier curls closer. "Five more minutes."

Doug ducks his head and Xavier can feel his smile on his forehead. "Okay."

 

-.-

 

Things change after that. Xavier isn't quite sure how to explain it even to himself so even though there's this blanket of comfort that comes from being around Doug, he still can't quite escape the feeling that his brain is tripping over itself in an attempt to process everything. Really, Xavier doesn't want to think about what it is that's tripping up his brain. He wants to ignore it and enjoy the peace he's found no matter how fragile it is.

But...he's starting to learn his lesson. He knows Doug doesn't deserve whatever pain he could inflict if he lets it go on too long without addressing it.

He's curious to know when Doug's niceness rubbed off on him.

"Do you like, want to fuck me or something?" Xavier blurts out in the middle of their canned soup dinner.

Doug stops with the spoon halfway to his open mouth, staring at Xavier like he's trying to process the question. Xavier leans back in his chair and runs a hand down his face. He regrets saying anything at all.

"Is that a trick question?" Doug asks. "What's the right answer, I'm so bad at this stuff."

"The honest one. I just don't know what the fuck we're doing. All the touching and cuddling shit, what the hell does it mean?" Xavier asks.

"Are you even gay?" Doug asks, finally setting his spoon down.

"Labels are stupid, hurry up and answer," Xavier says. His stomach has turned itself into a thousand knots and he wants to go hide in his room and pretend he never brought it up.

"I like you a lot Xavier," Doug says, like he's being extra careful with the words he chooses. "But I'm okay with just being the person who holds you to make you feel good. But also, being the person who holds you _and_ kisses you could be pretty cool."

"Right." Xavier's certainly heard better love confessions. This is definitely the most genuine one though, and it makes his heart flip and his gut warm the more he lets Doug's words roll around his head. "I'll tell you my answer later. I don't know what the hell I'm doing."

"That's okay. I don't either," Doug says with a broad smile.

Xavier wishes had the optimism that Doug has. It'd certainly make life easier.

 

-.-

 

Xavier spends a lot of time thinking about what exactly he wants from Doug. He thinks about the night he'd knelt in front of Doug in some twisted attempt at redemption. He thinks about the fact that he'd opened himself up to the worst kind of punishment and pain and Doug had turned away instead, unwilling to take advantage of the vulnerability everyone else had.

That alone is enough to know Doug's intentions are good. It's not a question in Xavier's mind when it comes to whether or not he cares about Doug, but the problem is, he doesn't know if it's the way Doug is apparently open to caring about him. Admittedly, Xavier hasn't fucked anyone since the end of the season, too concerned about Doug's injuries. That alone probably means _something_. Acting on that is the terrifying part because the thought of trying and fucking up the friendship they've managed to build fills him with absolute panic. After all, Doug is the first genuine friend he's had in years.

He wishes he had someone _other_ than Doug to talk about it with. It takes him a solid week to realize he does, at least sort of.

Doug leaves his phone on the couch when he hobbles towards the bathroom and a second later, the ancient dinosaur phone buzzes with a text. Xavier's leg bounces as he glances between the phone and the television. He lasts a whole five seconds before he snatches the phone up and reads the text, which is of course from Eva. All they're talking about is some stupid drama with Ira and his boyfriend that Xavier _really_ doesn't care about. He does care about getting Eva's number.

He sets Doug's phone aside after he's got Eva as a contact in his own phone but he hesitates in actually sending a text of his own. He just doesn't know what to see. It's not like he and Eva are close the way she is with Doug so it doesn't feel right to just dump his sexuality crisis on her. Then again, it's not like he's got anyone else. He fires off a text before Doug gets out of the bathroom.          

_Xavier Laflamme: Hey, it's Xavier. We need to talk._

_Eva: Did you steal my number from Doug?"_

_Xavier: Yes, now can we talk or not?_

_Eva: When?_

_Xavier: Tonight._

_Eva: Fine. I assume you don't want me to talk to Doug about whatever it is?"_

_Xavier: Yeah._

_Eva: You're lucky you have a nice ass Laflamme._

Xavier supposes it's worth something.

 

-.-

 

Eva calls him after midnight, which Xavier thinks she does just to wake him up and make fun of him for going to bed so early. She does that for a few minutes before he finally interrupts her.

"Look, I wanted to talk about something, you know, serious," Xavier says.

"So you decided to talk to me?" Eva asks. "You need more friends Laflamme."

"Thanks. Can we just have this freaking conversation so I never have to talk to you again?" he asks.

"Jesus, you're all manners tonight, aren't you?" Eva asks. "So what crisis are you having that you can't talk to Doug about?"

"I think I'm in love with Doug."

"Oh. Shit, yeah, I get why you're talking to me instead. I'm not exactly surprised though," Eva says. "Have you told him?"

"Wait, hold on, why aren't you surprised?" Xavier asks, unable to keep the offended tone in his voice. After all, it's not like he wears his heart on his sleeve, not with the life he's had. Doug must've been making him soft too.

"Dude, first of all, Doug is too...Doug to _not_ fall for him," Eva says. "No shame in that. Second of all, I don't know if you've noticed, but you pretty much dote on him like an adorable puppy, at least from what he tells me."

"Well then."

"Sorry. You're not nearly as secretive as you think you are," Eva says. "So what's the crisis, if you know that you like him?"

"Well, I'm not fucking gay, last I checked," Xavier says.

"News flash, you might be," Eva says and he can almost hear her roll her eyes. "Seriously though? That's your hang up?"

"Seems like a pretty big hang up," Xavier says, indignant.

"Maybe if you're an old white guy," Eva says. "Look, let's make this simple. Do you want to fuck him?"

Xavier squirms, uncomfortable talking about it even the phone. "I...think so."

"No, none of that shit," Eva says. "Yes or no, dude, pick one."

"Yes," Xavier says, face flushing bright red even though Eva can't see him. "Yes I would."

"Then you're a little bit gay. Maybe just for Doug, maybe not, it doesn't matter because Doug freaking loves you and you'd be an idiot to reject him," Eva says.

"Well you did," Xavier says, unable to help the way he sounds a bit like a petulant child.

"Yeah, because I'm a slut and I'd cheat on him eventually. Besides, it was pretty obvious he cared more about you," Eva says. "Just go for it. Worst comes to worst, you don't work out but you stay friends because Doug won't let you live on bad terms with each other."

"It can't be that easy."

Eva sighs. "With Doug, believe me, it is that easy. Really."

"What if I need time?" Xavier asks, and it's the first time he's actually let himself sound vulnerable since they started talking.

"Then take that time. Doug will wait. You're all he talks about honestly. It's annoying," Eva says. "I just wouldn't say no to him because you think loving him makes you less of a man or something stupid like that."

"You're very blunt."

"Yeah," Eva says. "I get that a lot. You good then or do I need to keep giving you a pep talk?"

"Nah, I'm good," Xavier says, then hesitates. "Thanks."

"Not a problem, Laflamme."

 

-.-

           

Even with Eva's pep talk, it takes a while for Xavier to get up the coverage to sit down with Doug and talk about it. He doesn't know why he's hesitating so much. After all, every issue he's had has been resolved simply by talking with Doug. He knows this isn't any different, but he can't shake the feeling that this is the conversation that will ruin all the progress they've made. The thought of going back to the way he was before is almost painful to think about.

He hates that Xavier. He wants to be the opposite of what his dad tried to force him to be. Of course, that means he has to actually _talk to Doug_.

"Are you okay?" Doug asks, head tilted to the side as he looks at Xavier from across the dinner table. "You look like you're about to be sick."

"Just getting myself psyched up to actually _say_ this," Xavier says, unable to help a half-hearted glare.

"Oh, okay," Doug says, setting his fork down and setting his hands in his lap so his attention is focused only on Xavier.

"I'm into you a lot. I want to date you, but I'm a giant fuck up and I'll probably be annoying to deal with," Xavier says. "But you're also the first person I've actually wanted to try and date, for what it's worth."

Doug beams at him. "I accept. I've wanted to ask you for awhile, but Eva said it was better to let you come to me. I'm glad you did."

"Did you miss the part where I'm awful?" Xavier asks.

"You're not awful," Doug says with a shrug. "You have flaws, but so do I. I care about you, flaws and all. You can't convince me to hate you."

"You're amazing," Xavier says with a tiny shake of his head.

"So...can I kiss you now?" Doug asks.

"Dinner first," Xavier says with an easy smile.

Doug eats faster than Xavier has ever seen him eat and he has to stop himself from laughing so he can finish his own food.

Doug sits patiently as Xavier cleans their dishes, wiggling a bit in his chair like an eager puppy and the sight fills him with a light and happy feeling he isn't used to. It gives him a confidence that he's never had with women. All the women he'd been with didn't _know_ him and they expected him to fuck them a certain kind of way. Doug knows all about him though. Knows how awful and terrible he can be and Doug tells him when he's wrong but ultimately forgives him.

He doesn't have to be amazing for Doug. He just has to be himself.

Admittedly, Xavier still feels a little nervous as he straddles Doug's lap in the middle of their kitchen. He's worried he'll do something that makes Doug change his mind but fuck it, he wants to be the one in control and confident, for real, about what he's doing. He grabs Doug's face and tugs him in for a kiss, a soft noise escaping him when Doug's hands, soft and warm, settle on his hips. It's an odd juxtaposition, because Doug follows his lead with the kiss. His hands though, and the way his thumbs brush against the bit of skin between Xavier's jeans and t-shirt, feel like he's cradling Xavier, like he's in control. It's weird, feeling two things that are the opposite of each other at the same time.

Xavier finds he likes kissing Doug. He's so eager to follow Xavier's lead, and despite his repeated claims of stupidity, he learns fast just what Xavier likes. Really, Xavier is learning too. They learn Xavier likes having his lower lip bit and soothed by Doug's tongue, but that Doug prefers a gentler touch when Xavier takes control of the kiss and curls a hand at the back of Doug's neck. In those moments, losing themselves in their kisses as the kitchen chair tilts dangerously, Xavier can't help but wonder what it would be like to take Doug apart in the gentlest of ways.

Doug grabs the table to steady the chair, his other hand bracing against Xavier's lower back. Xavier kind of wants Doug's hands all over him. That seems like moving too fast though, and Xavier's pretty sick of living his life at breakneck speed because all it's done for him is ruin things. This...this he doesn't want to ruin. This is his first chance at being happy.

So, before his dick gets too excited, he pushes Doug back.

"That was good," Doug says, smiling up at him.

Xavier smiles back, nervous about just how good he feels.

 _I'm_ _not gonna ruin this_ , Xavier thinks.

 

-.-

 

Xavier doesn't ruin it, but he can't help but...push a little. He knows, rationally, that he's got Doug for the long-haul but he's so used to pushing and getting smacked down, he _needs_ to know what Doug will do for his mind to be at ease. So...he pushes; small things, inconveniences, noticeable but not particularly damaging. He unmakes Doug's bed. He puts the dishes back incorrectly, screws up the names of his playlists on his iPod, and changes the channel when Doug leaves the room to get a drink or go to the bathroom.

Doug catches on when he asks Xavier to do the dishes and Xavier opts for walking out of the room instead. It's the most blatant display of rebellion he's tried yet. It's worth it though, because Doug follows after him and grabs his wrist, tight, and Xavier can't help but think, _this is it, I've gotten under his skin_. But Doug just makes him turn around, a sad look on his face.

"Xavier, do you want me to hit you?" Doug asks, voice soft.

Xavier can't help the bitter smile that twists at his lips. "I guess, maybe."

"Why?" Doug asks as his thumb rubs back and forth over Xavier's wrist.

"Guess I just...I'm trying to find your breaking point," Xavier admits, chest tight.

"I would _never_ hit you. Not out of anger. Xavier..." Doug tugs him close and warps him in a tight hug, kissing his forehead as he does so. "I'm not going to do that to you."

"Sorry," Xavier says, voice muffled against Doug's neck. "I just...needed proof I guess."

"It's okay. Can you stop doing that stuff now though? It's sort of annoying," Doug says.

"Yeah, I will," Xavier says. There's an unpleasant feeling in his gut though, like he hasn't earned Doug's forgiveness yet. The thought that he enters his head after that makes him flush bright red. "You should...punish me though. I'd feel better, I think."

"Xavier, I'm _not_ hitting you."

"You could spank me," Xavier blurts out.

Doug falls silent, arms tightening a bit as he rubs a hand up and down Xavier's back. "In like a kinky sex way?"

"Yeah."          

"That's moving pretty fast, right?" Doug asks. "And I don't want you to think I have to spank you to forgive you."

Xavier starts to tug away, confidence flying right out the window. "Forget it, it's stupid."

"No, it's not," Doug says as he sets his hands loosely on Xavier's shoulders. "I'll do it, but not right now. Not when you're shaking."

Xavier flinches away when he realizes that Doug is right, and thankfully Doug knows not to try and pull him close again. "Fuck..."

"It's okay," Doug says. "Wanna cuddle on your bed?"

Xavier hesitates before giving a small nod. "That'd be good."

It is good. Doug holds him close until Xavier calms down and decides making out is a good idea. They do that for a while until all Xavier feels is content and relaxed. Doug gets his hand on Xavier's dick after a bit, his grip dry but warm as he strokes. Xavier's stamina is shit, which is embarrassing, but Doug thinks it's hot and can't stop saying how good Xavier looks when he's coming. It's not punishment, but it makes him feel better.            

Doug holds him for a long time afterwards. The loneliness doesn't stick around much longer.

 

-.-

 

Doug does end up spanking him a week later, but only after they sit down with Eva who insists on teaching them proper BDSM-etiquette.

"It's weird but I don't even want to think about how much you two would fuck it up if I don't do this," she tells them.

Xavier blushes all the way through it (and denies it later). He's glad Eva takes the time to walk them through it though because honestly, with his track record, he'd probably fuck all of it right the hell up. The rules he and Doug decide on help him feel better. Knowing that at the end of the day he can put a stop to it all makes Xavier feel strong in a real way he hasn't been able to before. He wants to get used to the feeling.

They try the spanking in the living room on the couch. It's a little awkward at first, getting Xavier draped just right over Doug's lap with his jeans tugged down enough to expose his boxer-clad ass.

"I feel weird about this," Xavier says as Doug rubs a hand over his ass. "There's no punishment aspect."  

"You know I'm not gonna hit you for a real problem," Doug says.

"I know, I know. Let's just try and I'll see if I'm feeling it then," Xavier says.

Doug's first hit is light and Xavier snorts.

"More than that, c'mon," Xavier says.

"Hold still then," Doug huffs as Xavier squirms in his lap.

"Make me you-"

Doug yanks Xavier's boxers down and smacks his left cheek hard, the pain making Xavier yelp. He squirms some more, prompting a few more quick hits. Xavier bites his lips and buries his face in the couch cushion, a low, aroused heat spreading through him as the sharp pain radiates out from where Doug hit him. Doug pauses and rubs his now hot to the touch ass. Xavier arches his back and pushes his ass into the touch, a weird noise escaping his lips as he does so.

"Good?" Doug asks.

Xavier nods. "More. Harder."

Doug delivers two more hits, harder than any of the hits before, delivering them on both sides of his ass. Each one goes straight to Xavier's head, forcing him to relax. The next few hits make Xavier go limp, and a few more after that sort of make his brain switch off, like he's just there to absorb whatever Doug wants to give him. It's not his responsibility anymore.

After another five swats, Doug lightens the hits until soon, he's just caressing the hot swell of Xavier's ass. Xavier kind of feels like crying. At the same time, he's so relaxed that crying is the last thing he feels capable of doing. Doug pulls Xavier's boxers back up but together they get Xavier's pants all the way off so he can curl up in Doug's lap. Doug pets his hair and peppers his face with soft kisses. For once, Xavier doesn't feel weak for enjoying such comforting touches, not even a lingering bit of insecurity in his mind, at least not this time.

"Do you wanna come?" Doug asks after a while.

Xavier realizes with a start that he's still hard as a rock, the arousal suddenly surging to the forefront of his mind. "Yes. Very much so."

"Wanna get off on my face?"

Xavier stares at him, eyes widening. " _Definitely_ yes."

Doug moves quick, setting Xavier carefully on the edge of the couch before kneeling in front of him and helping Xavier out of his boxers. He spits in his hand and jacks off fast. Doug stares up at him with this look of adoration in his eyes and fuck Xavier really wants Doug to look at him like that _all_ the time. He comes pretty damn quick, splattering his come all over Doug's face and it's pretty much the hottest thing Xavier's ever seen.

"I really want to blow you now," Xavier says, a little breathless. "Wanna blow you with my come on your face."

Doug grins. "Yes please."

 

-.-

 

When training camp starts, Xavier kind of feels like he's on top of the world. When Belchie pulls him in for a bone-crushing hug, he doesn't jerk away. When Stephsie nudges him over and over again while he chatters in Xavier's ear at the bench between drills, he doesn't snap at him and try and get some distances. He's comfortable because he's got Doug.

Doug never stops watching his back.


End file.
